Random

A blog that I follow recommended writing everything I'm thinking in a 5 minute period without stopping to correct spelling, punctuation, etc. and then post. I'm going to give it a try. This will be completely honest, so if it offends anyone... I don't know what to say.

Tony found out today that there is little to no chance of him rising in his field with the state. No amount of schooling or training will change that. Because of the things going on with Alex, we have to stay with theState for heatlh insurance reasons. He hates his job. Wants out of it. We both know that e is called into the ministry, but don't see how he could drop out of hte state at this point. the fact that he can't even get a raise, and he graduated Suma cum laude reallly makes me angry. He's even willing to go back for his masters degree, but would have to move around within the govrnment because of Alex.  i know that this sounds like I'm blaming all of our troubles on Alex. I'm not.  I LOVE MY SON VERY MUCH!!!I hate that he is having these problems with his growth. I'm 4'9", and hate every minute of it. People often say the cruelest things without thinking. I don't want him to have to go through that. At the same time, I'm very afraid for all of the testing that he will have to go through, and the chance that Iwill have to give my son shots. I don't lik the thought of causing him pain. yes, I get him vaccinated, but that's very differnet. I had a good  friend tell me today taht fear is  sin.  id don't agree with her at all. I think fear is a natural emotion and that as long as I do my best to turn my fears over to God, then I'm doing the right thing. That's the hard part. Yes, God had to put his Son on the Cross adn wath him die a horrible death. a painful death. I still have a hard time With what I may have to go through with my Son See, God knew the outcome. he knew that everything would be ok.  I DON'T. Not having answers is very very scary/ Not having a happy husband is not something that I like either. His bosses at teh state keep giving him more and more work, but wont raise his pay. Wont raise his level. You  know, a but 12 years ago when Democrats were still in charge in Florida, itwas a good and respectable thing to work for the state. jeb bush changed al of tat. He made working for the state seem lie the worst thing you could do. Working for the state today means taht you couldn't get hired by any one else. THAT SUCKS!!! I don't use fowl language. Lord, forgive me for using it here, but when I see my husband come home at the end of the day from a job where he feels like he is under appreciated and overworked and at a dead end in life, it hurts. My husband is 32 years old. There isn't much time left for him to change careers or dgo back to school. Of course we've been told that schooling wont help im at this level. I don't knwo what to do.

I need to figure out how to get my act together adn work in my home like I should. It is difficult to get things done with small childrne, but so many other mothers do it, and manage to either work out side the home or do other extraccurricular activities. I would like to join MOPS, bt don't know if I have the itme becuase I need to gettthings done at home. I need to take my boys outside everyday, but feel that i ave to do things at home. I fwish I were rich enough to hire someone ot clean for me, just once. then I could keep it clean. Or at least ry to. I think I could do it. I need someone like clean house to come get mre orgnaized and clean, and then I would be set. it doesn't help that we don't own our home, so there's only so much i can do to make it look like a home. OH i WILL LOVE THE DAY WHEN WE MAKE ENOGH MONEY TO ACTUALLY OWN A HOME INSTEAD OF RENTING IT!!!!! I still wnat two more hldren. At this point we think our chances of having a girla re pretty slim. Tony wants to adopt the next two children. I miss being pregnant,a nd really wnat to have two more biological children.

I have so much more I could say, but really need to go to bed. I have definetley gone over my alloted 5 minutes. But there it is. Those are most of the thoughts running around in my head. Completely honest.

Prayer for Alex and James

Back in November, I took both boys to have a test called a bone age. I'm still unsure of James' results, but Alex failed his. He has only grown about 3/4 of an inch in the last year or so. My almost 3 year old son weighs 23 pounds, and is 32 3/4 inches tall. On January 7th, I took them both to see a Pediatric Endocrinologist. He asked me if any one had told me that if I just fed him right, that he would grow. I said that yes, people had said that to me. He then told me that those people are wrong. He told me that if I feed him more than I currently am, Alex will only get fat. He will not grow taller. The reason that Dr. Deeb believes this is because for his height, Alex is a perfect weight. He ordered lab work on Alex. He is and is not treating James at this point. It's easier to find a problem in a 2 year old than a 6 month old. So this past Monday, Tony and I took Alex to have the lab work done. Alex did wonderful!!! Yes, he cried. But, he didn't try to get out of my arms. He didn't scream. He just sat their and cried. James didn't cry either, for which Tony and I are thankful. They took 6 small vials from Alex. At this point that's all the news I have. I have done some research online, but at this point to speculate is pointless. I will say that if the problem is with a growth hormone, the next test will be anything but fun for me or Alex. But we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Amazingly, I'm not a basket case over this. I might get that way further down the line(especially if he has to endure the second test), but for now I'm ok. When I shared this information with my Administration Pastor on Wednesday, he stopped and prayed with me right there, and prayed that I would have the heart of Mary who knew that her Son was born to die, and yet she was calm. I know that God loves Alex more than I ever could(which has to be a lot because I love him soooo much). I know that God knows what is best for Alex. These events have made Tony and I look at our future differently. We were hoping to begin Seminary in about a year and a half, but if we leave Tony's current job, we would loose his health insurance and therefore loose the ability to take care of Alex. He would be labeled with a Pre-existing condition.

So pray with us as we face this trial in our lives. Pray that God would lead Dr. Deeb to the right diagnosis without much pain to Alex or James. Pray that healing would be possible for Alex and James. Pray that Tony and I would know the right thing to do about job/house/etc.

"But Mary took all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:19

Amanda